by Joe Latkovich ’14
Ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang. Ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang. I told the love Guru I was in love with you (doo doo doo doo). I told the Love Guru I was in love with you (doo doo doo doo) and then the Love Guru he told me what to do, he told me ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.
Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching, and my brother and I are schemin’ with the same girl. How do I eliminate him from the race? -David Sinclair ‘14
Since you and your brother, Derek ‘15, are both handsome young middle-eastern gentlemen, you should settle this like handsome young middle-eastern gentlemen; I recommend that you let your mother, Alice, pick your valentines, girlfriends, and eventually, wives for you boys so to avoid any brotherly discord.
My college of choice friendzoned me. What should I do? -Richard Kraay ‘14
You should tell them how you really feel. Send the Director of Admissions a letter proclaiming your love for the school. Dot every ‘i’ with a heart, and after you sign your name, throw in a couple XOXO’s. Attach a box of chocolates, too. Expect an acceptance letter in a couple days.
What if she has braces and you are afraid of braces? Those things could do some serious damage. I really need your help Joe. -Rusty Ellis ‘14
If your girlfriend has braces and you’re a senior in high school, you have more important things to worry about, like evading arrest.
Will Aedan Mangan finally find love since he made the Atlantis Rugby Sevens team? -Mike Chambers ‘14
Actually, Aedan found love while he was in Las Vegas with the team for a tournament. He spent most of his time there with a female rugby superstar from Saint Joseph Academy. Aedan’s mother is very proud that her extremely weak, very short, and blindingly pale son finally came close to being as smooth as his older brother Seamus ‘11, and she personally requested that from now on, everyone refer to Aedan as ‘Lover Boy.’
There are over 1,000 girls from over 400 schools that asked me to be their Valentine, and I don’t know who to say yes to. I also have 5 girlfriends. I feel like you understand my situation. – Kevin “Styx” Stefancin ’15
I cannot morally bring myself to help you manage 5 girlfriends, but I suggest that you set up some sort of competition for the potential valentine candidates to partake in. I would suggest a series of athletic events, such as cross-country skiing and/or ping-pong, that would determine a winner by pure sport and not by your choosing. Or (and this is my personal favorite), you could feign an illness and not have to choose a valentine at all.
Love Guru, It’s obvious that the rapid thinning of my hair will lead to being bald. Do you think this will hurt my chances with the ladies? -Brendan Carney ‘15
Going bald should not affect any man’s ability to attract females. Just look at your brother, Patrick Carney ‘13. There is currently a campus-wide bet at John Carroll University on whether Patrick will go completely bald before or after the fall semester ends. This doesn’t stop him from “killing it.”
