Its that time of year again. Time to sit by the fire with someone you tolerate, while visions of sugarplums dance in your head. What are sugarplums? I don’t know. They’re probably some sort of vision when one drinks a few too many glasses of eggnog. But that’s besides the point. The important thing is, you’ve become lucky in love because of the Yuletide wisdom of resident Love Guru, Joe “The Real CYO Joe” Latkovich. Nobody’s getting coal in their stockings this year. ‘Tis the season to be merry, Saint Ignatius!
Hey Joe, as you know I am constantly being bombarded by the female species (most likely due to my enormous biceps, thanks to the teachings of Mr. Eynon). Although this is quite a luxury to have, the abundance of girlfriends I [have] does not suit well for my wallet. During this Christmas season, I was wondering if you had any cheap-gift/easy money making ideas for me so I can please my ladies as best as possible. Thanks. – Austin Gilner ‘16
The optimal gift to give a woman this Christmas is letting her stare into your eyes. She will become entranced, giving you the chance to go back to the kettlebells. In the end, you don’t spend any money, and you get to converse about a cat named Bigglesworth with Mr. Eynon.
Is buying her a gift tacky? -Vinny Camma ‘17
‘Tacky’? More like ‘insulting.’ In ancient Roman times, the Sigillaria was a day of gift-giving during the Saturnalia. The less the gift cost, the more it spoke to the high quality of the relationship. This translates into modern times with the idea that you shouldn’t offend your girlfriend by getting her an expensive gift. At least, Mr. Murphy tried using this logic once to get out of getting his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
How do I break the news to my parents that I am dating a fictional character? They’ve been trying to set me up with multiple women for some time now and it’s getting irritating. Is there any way to tell them without losing their respect? -Anonymous
You’re dating a fictional character? By “fictional character”, do you mean that you’re dating Lady Rainicorn? It seems that you’re having hallucinations. I recommend that you see a doctor right away and lay off the eggnog and sugar plums for a while.
This girl on Facebook friend requested me the other day and even messaged me right after! She is super attractive based on the 2 pictures she has. Her message wanted me to give her some personal information, but I was thrown off by her lack of friends (she only has 7 and all are middle aged bearded men). If this really is her I would be hitting the jackpot but I need to know for sure. Help me Love Guru. You’re my only hope. -Richard Kraay ‘14
It’s a trap. Take evasive action. Your Facebook can’t repel “girls” of that magnitude.
I am a tall, dark, and handsome man, and my ex-girlfriend used to love that about me. But, since we’ve broke up, she’s taken interest in another tall, dark, and handsome man. I cannot seem to compete. Even worse, this new guy used to give me rides home and now refuses to drive me home now because I’m a “mooch.” The only hope I have is that this “new guy” has what looks like a dead squirrel hanging on his face (or at least until Lumberjack day). Love Guru, I need you, more than ever. Please help. -Paden Nagle ‘14
His power comes from his beard. Much like the Biblical story of Samson’s strength coming from his hair, this new man’s attractiveness comes from the dead squirrel on his face. As soon as the dress code returns to normal and he has to shave, his majestic allure will be nullified, and you can make an attempt to win her back.
I have recently been courting a fine young lady by the name of Stacy. Everything seemed to be going fine until I met her mother. Her mom is awesome, a great cook, very nice, a courteous and pleasant lady all around. I could go on and on, I mean she’s really got it going on. I’m afraid that Stacy can’t see that she’s just not the girl for me. I mean I know it might be wrong but I’m in love with Stacy’s mom. What should I do Love Guru? Are there any soothing songs I could send Stacy’s way? Please help. -Aedan Mangan ’14
Pump the brakes. If you want to court a woman old enough to be your mother, then the only song that comes to mind is “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash.
How has Santa kept the flame burning with Mrs. Claus all these years? -Anonymous
Just imagine that you’re up on the North Pole with a thousand little elves that sing songs and bug you all day. The only thing you’d want is to just interact with a regular human. Since Mrs. Claus is the only other human up there, he craves her presence, much in the same way that David Sinclair ‘14 craves the presence of his former girlfriend, since she’s the only one who understands his, um, unique brain.
Would you recommend that a young man follow every girl in Northeastern Ohio on Twitter as a means of increasing the size of the metaphorical net he is throwing out to catch the right fish in that big sea? -Brian “The Wingspan” Callahan ‘14
Let me quote Dan Bova ‘14 to answer that question for you: “and Dan can’t stop, and Dan won’t stop.”
Hey Joe I am wondering if I can tell girls about my tremendous amount of Instagram followers as a means of attracting the ladies. I have almost 100. Keep up to good work. -Phu “Please Leave My Last Name Anonymous Because I’m Definitely Not the Only Person in the School with the First Name ‘Phu’”
It is very possible to charm the ladies by telling them about the exorbitantly large amount of Instagram followers you have. Unfortunately, 100 isn’t that many. I recommend that you check out instafollowerz.com where you can buy 50,000 Instagram followers for the low price of $284.00 USD.
