by Pat Nemeth ’14
It’s that time of year again. Young children are encouraged to take candy from masked strangers, it becomes socially acceptable to hang fake dead people in front yards, and innocent orange fruit is hacked into, gutted, then set ablaze on the front porches of suburban homes across the country. Halloween is upon us, and the season of haunted houses is in full swing. A few weeks ago I managed to unglue my eyes from AMC’s Fear Fest, chock full of gem after gem of classic horror movies like Halloween 8: Resurrection and Pet Semetary 2, to go with some friends to check out The Fear Experience, produced by Ignatius alum Max Simon ‘13.
I was excited by the good press – “Northeast Ohio’s Premier Haunted Attraction,” Cleveland.com raved about The Fear Experience. After travelling deep into the bowels of Parma to get to the haunted house late at night, all the while hearing terrifying radio advertisements for the house, my nerves were already on edge. However, that did not take long to change. I joined the first line, which turned out to be a long line to buy tickets to enter an even longer line. For $22 a ticket (these were the cheapest ones too) I was expecting the scare of a lifetime; my wallet based on a meager summer lifeguarding salary ,can’t handle that heavy bombardment. But no mercy was forthcoming.
As I wasted away in a line moving at roughly the speed of the average Department of Motor Vehicles photobooth, a strange man with a cat toy meowed at us, presumably trying to scare us. My friends and I quickly reached the conclusion that a terrible mistake had been made in deciding to come. After waiting a life-draining three hours in line, morale was low and not everyone made it to the other side (at least one girl fainted). We pressed onward, making our way through four separate houses, jumping in surprise a grand total of one time. At the end of the mere twenty-five minute experience, I stood with my caravan, legs aching from standing in line and wallets crying out for retribution.
My crew teammate and friend, fellow senior Joe Kollin put it best.
“The only thing worse than the seemingly endless line and pathetic attempts to scare by wannabe ‘monsters’ was the inconvenient, excessive pricing,” he said, and then went on to list a few more grievances not to be repeated in polite company.
The Fear Experience will terrify nothing but your wallet and your patience.
