Four Tips To Get You To Class On Time
By NICHOLAS EATON ’13
& JOE GINLEY ’12
Eye Staff Reporters
Waking up to an ungodly scream eminating from the mouth of Mr. Wimbiscus, you are horrified to discover that the bell rung minutes ago. You have Mr. Arko next period. What are you going to do?
This scenario is every frosh’s nightmare. To help facilitate flustered freshmen’s fears, here are four tips so that you can get to class on time- and in one piece.
1. Unless you are Winston Eng, you will not get to class on time by using the Main Staircase. Even Moses would have trouble parting the sea of students entering the Main Building between periods. Instead, utilize the the alternate entrance and the Jesuit Staircase. And on your way, why not pick up a free mint from Mrs. Fitzpatrick’s desk? Estimated time of transit from room 202 to room 419 for a freshman with a 36 lb. bookbag: 4 minutes, fifty seconds. Estimated time of transit on the same route for a senior with a 5 lb. bookbag: 7 minutes, ten seconds.
2. If you want to be crushed by an onslaught of traffic, by all means take the main Loyola Staircase. Rather, use the Bookstore Staircase. Plus, you can grab a Coca-Cola on the way for a quick sugar rush on your way to your next class. You will find that the Bookstore Staircase is a much safer way to class, especially if you are a five foot nothing frosh. Estimated time of transit for aforementioned freshman from room 215 to room 224: three minutes, fifty-five seconds. Estimated time of transit on the same route for the senior: five minutes, three seconds.
3. For the talented texters of the student body, this tip will make them “lol”. The Sullivan Staircase is a prime spot for eating, texting, and general tomfoolery because it is rarely patrolled. In addition, it is a great way to get to math class or even gym, err physical education. However, Mr. Becker has been known to occasionally search the area for scared, stray sophomores, so beware. Estimated time of transit for the freshman from room 237 to physical education: one minute, ten seconds. For the senior: four minutes, forty-five seconds.
4. The best route has been saved for last. Students avoid it like a corny Mission Impossible movie. Even its name–the Secret Staircase–suggests that it is the work of a washed up Hollywood director. However, the Secret Staircase is the best route on campus. Virtually no one takes it, which makes it ideal to a student in distress. One side suggestion- be careful to cross the the Back Quad’s grassy knoll only when Mr. Michals is nowhere in sight. If you aren’t wary, you will be sorry. Estimated time of transit for the freshman from room 319 to room 231: three minutes, fifty seconds. As for the senior: four minutes, fifty-nine seconds.
Hopefully, these tips will help alleviate the pains of a “caf duty”, or worse, an after-school tardy. If you want to avoid being mauled on the way to class, freshmen, then take heed. However, these tips are not the “Ultimate Reality” of getting to class. One still needs to use discretion and be careful not to anger Mr. Hennessey or a teacher in utilizing these tips. If you do, then, as Mr. Popelka says, “The tears will be real.””
